#241 How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser and Still Be Kind?

Hello, Tribers.

People-pleasing is a type of codependency where you put other people’s needs above your own. This could lead to feeling like you have no identity and are not living in alignment with your true self. However, there are ways to stop being a people-pleaser without becoming an anti-social monster who doesn’t care about other people. Let’s explore how…

Are you a people-pleaser?

So you’re a nice person. Obviously. Or at least, you try to be. That’s why people come to you for advice, right? You’re the kind friend who is always ready with a kind word and a helping hand. The problem is that it backfires on you almost every time. People see your niceness as pandering and take advantage of it. You end up feeling used and taken for granted because you are too eager to please everyone without being careful or selective about who deserves your kindness and who doesn’t. Do you know that you can stop being a people-pleaser and still be kind in new ways?

The differences between being kind and people-pleaser are subtle, so let’s have a closer look. Being kind is an action that seeks to benefit others in some way. It is about showing compassion for yourself and others. Choosing to do good for others, even when you don’t feel like it. But also, setting boundaries and letting other people know where you end and they begin. It means being genuine and authentic, even if it means letting others know when you don’t have an answer or don’t know something or do not agree with someone.  It is about doing good, even when it doesn’t benefit you.

On the other hand, being a people-pleaser is about seeking approval and validation from others. Overly self-sacrificing and putting other people’s needs above your own. Is about feeling guilty and ashamed when you don’t meet other people’s expectations.  Being a people-pleaser is about feeling stressed out and anxious when you don’t meet other people’s expectations and getting caught up in an attitude of what other people think of you. Knowing this let’s think…

Why Do You People-Pledge And Why To Stop This?

If you are constantly putting other people’s needs above your own, you will eventually exhaust yourself. When you don’t take care of your own needs, you are prone to feelings of resentment, which can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. Resentment is never a healthy emotion, so it’s best to take care of your own needs as soon as you can. When you are a people-pleaser, you may start to feel resentful towards the people you are trying to please. You may start to feel like your self-worth is contingent on how well you are pleasing others. You may also feel stressed out and anxious about how everyone is receiving your attention. You may even feel like you have to give up your own identity and start pretending to be someone you’re not.

Moreover, people-pleasing is an unhealthy way of being in relationships. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not or ignore your own needs in order to be kind to others. You can still be a kind person while you stop the people-pleasing. If you are constantly catering to other people and neglecting your own needs, there is a good chance you don’t know your own worth. You may have been conditioned to think that you need to be selfless in order to be a good person. But, the truth is that people-pleasing is a response to low self-worth and is not the solution.

You may be inclined to say “yes” to everything and end up resenting yourself and others. Just to not become crossed with anyone. And I am sure you know where this will lead you. Exactly, you will just have more and more on your plate. You will feel exhausted, used and unhappy, just to mention a few. Is this the way you like to feel? Is this the kind of experience you would like to have in your life? Maybe yes, if so, your choice. It is your life overall. However, if you would like to change this, read the next part as it gives a few tips on how can you stop being a people-pleaser…

Ways to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

The first step towards stopping being a people-pleaser is to recognize your inherent worth as a human being. You don’t need to earn your worth by being selfless and putting other people’s needs above your own. You already have inherent value, and you deserve to fulfil your own needs and desires just as much as you deserve and want to fulfil the needs of others. You need to create and stick to your boundaries. So, the next step that you can do, is to become comfortable saying “no”.

If someone asks you to do something, or if you feel the need to ask for something from someone, always default to “no”. As for examples of this would be the following. If someone asks you to go out to dinner, and you want to take care of yourself, say “no”. If someone asks you to help them with something, and you don’t have the time, say “no”. If someone asks you if you like their outfit, and you have no opinion or don’t care, say “no”. If someone is asking or expecting too much of you, say “no”. If this is too much or you do not feel too comfortable with this yet you might start with the easiest more compassionate version like this. For example, if a friend is asking you to go out when you need to take care of yourself, you can say something like, “I want to spend time with you, but I need to take care of myself right now. Let’s do something next week.” If someone is expecting too much of you, you can set the boundary by saying, “I’m happy to help you, but I only have so much time.”

Practice saying “no”. . Recognize your boundaries, as this is crucial if you want to stop being a people-pleaser. This is one of the most important ways to stop being a people-pleaser. You can’t say “no” if you don’t know how to use that word. Make a commitment to yourself to practice saying “no” more often. Start small and work your way up. Don’t go overboard and say “no” to every single thing. But, use “no” as your default response when you need to. Practice self-love and self-care. Sometimes, we get caught up in trying to please others that we forget to take care of ourselves. The best way to stop being a people-pleaser is to take care of yourself.

Conclusion

So, today we were talking about recognizing if you are a people-pleaser or a kind person. We discussed the differences and why it is not good to please others at cost of yourself. We discussed also a few ways how to stop this by setting boundaries, practising self-care or getting support

It would be wonderful if you could tell me and others about what positive you found in this material.

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